Lately, I have felt a bit more immobilized than usual. Parts of my mind are not keeping up with the other. There is a part that wants to get up and do something or write something profound but then the other part is like, “Nope! You are going to sit here and do nothing!”

The part of the brain that tells me to do nothing usually wins and then the self-hatred cycle begins. I continue doing nothing and the other part of my mind is calling me names and giving me feelings of worthlessness. I know I would feel so much better if I get the work done but the part that wants to do nothing is so paralyzing, I can barely move. It is taking a great deal of effort to write this, actually. I am hoping that by writing it out, some metaphorical drain that has been clogged in my mind will suddenly clear itself out.

A lot of times, people will say to get up and do the thing(s) that makes you feel good. Sometimes this will work. I tell myself to just start doing something for 5 minutes. Usually, I end up doing it for longer. But this doesn’t always work. It’s not really working now. In the thick of depression, little tasks seem huge and overwhelming. This perspective happens more often than not and it really sucks. Because I am embarrassed about the blob that I have become and the lack of progress that is being made, this compounds the self-name calling and feelings of uselessness. I visualize an ant carrying a rock. Over time, the rock becomes a pile of rocks and the poor little ant is crushed.

I know better, and sometimes knowing makes things worse. I know that the rocks are not real and so the name calling gets worse because “I should know better.” I know I shouldn’t be thinking that either. I need to cut it out with the “should”s! It is what it is. This too shall pass.

In real-time, I’m working on a piece on how to get out of this… will post later how it went.