In 2021, I found out I had breast cancer. After everything else and my Mom passing away from cancer, I ended up with breast cancer. How could this happen when things seemed to start heading in the right direction? It was the day after Christmas in 2020 that I felt the lump. I was prepared to bring in 2021 on a positive note but 2021 had other plans. But, I did survive, I’m here to write about my journey while others were not so lucky. I must be grateful for that and grieve for those who lost the fight.

A year before I discovered the lump, I took a blood test to determine if I was prone to certain cancers, since my Mom and her Mom passed away from it. Doing this probably saved my life or at least saved me from a worse diagnosis. I cannot stress enough to people who have cancer running in their family. GET A GENETIC TEST. The doctors are more quick to act if you come out positive for it.

I turned out to have the BRCA2 mutation, which is a gene that acts as a tumor suppressor. It seemed a given that I would experience some sort of cancer in my life. However, I thought this would happen years from now. My Mom and grandma were in their 60s so I assumed the same would happen to me, if I didn’t take preventative measures. But before I could think of taking those measures, in January 2021 after many pokes, and scans, and a biopsy, it was determined to be cancer.

The lump felt huge to me. After the biopsy though, it was determined the cancer was ductal carcinoma in situ, a cancer which only affects the ducts. It is supposed to be non-invasive, or at least pre-invasive, so I was diagnosed at Stage 0. They also determined that it was not in my lymph nodes. Thank God, I thought. Hardly anything to worry about… the best cancer you can get if you had to get cancer, is what I was told. Due to my BRCA2 positive result and now the lump, I decided to get a double mastectomy, which was then scheduled a month out.

During the waiting period I was so paranoid. I did not think it was little to worry about. It felt like the lump was getting bigger. My husband told me to tell the doctor but I thought, what are they really going to do if my surgery is coming up soon. 

I remember feeling so overwhelmed when I went in to the hospital. I felt scared and defeated that I was going to lose a large part of me. A large part that made me feel like a woman. I felt like I was saying goodbye. The moment they wheeled me into the operating room, I began to silently cry. The nurse noticed this and told me she was going to cry now, too. Then, I was immediately out.

Post surgery was painful. I had five drains coming out of my body when I
woke up. I was delirious and in pain and could not deal with any of the nurses
coming in. They wanted to hand me paperwork. I just got out of surgery! I don’t
want your damn paperwork!

I was having issues with one of the drains. A lot of blood was coming out
and the nurse appeared not to be giving a shit. So there I laid, worried
something was wrong. The doctor came in to tell me some new developments and check how I was doing. She took a look at the drain and immediately took me back into surgery to address the excessive bleeding.

I would have been more freaked out by having to go back into surgery but the news that she delivered was mainly on my mind. After cutting everything open, the cancer was not just ductal carcinoma in situ. I was told it was a mix of cancers, two being invasive. In-situ ductal and lobular carcinoma and invasive ductal and lobular carcinoma. It was also found in a lymph node. I kept thinking that in one month’s time, it already spread. They took 12 lymph nodes out to be sure they got it all. My arm is still numb as the nerve endings have not healed even almost 2 years later. In my delirium, I started crying and telling my husband on the phone that I was dying. I kinda laugh at that now. I was being pretty dramatic but maybe it was warranted.

Eventually I went home and dealt with the drains for about a month before
they took them out. I felt liberated after the drains were removed. Every
couple hours, I had to empty the drains and record when I did it and how
much… for a month. Those scars are gone now. You wouldn’t know that I had
five tubes coming out from my sides.

After the surgery was behind me, the emotions came flooding in. There was a
couple months before chemo that I lost control mentally. It was a very dark
time. When the chemo started, I was not ready. Moreover, I have really small veins so when they were going to hook up the IV, they had to poke me multiple times. This happened every time until I finally had a port inserted in my upper chest.

This port was a direct line that went up in the neck, into my artery. When the
nurses tried to use it the next time I had chemo, they kept poking the port but the needle wouldn’t go in. Eventually, after tons of poking and prodding, they realized the port was flipped upside down and they were trying to insert the needle in the back. I had to go in and get it flipped underneath my skin. Another very unpleasant experience.

I can’t adequately describe what going through the chemo process was like. I know for everyone it is different. I had severe ups and downs. Sometimes, it was like I wasn’t going through chemo and then other days, it was the complete opposite. I could only have one visitor at a time due to COVID. My husband came sometimes, my Dad, my friends came to some of the sessions. This definitely made the appointments better and go by quicker.

After the first few sessions, my hair began falling out. There was hair
everywhere. It got to the point where I just decided to shave it.

Here I am, sad about the whole thing:

After 5 months of chemo, I was done. It was very anticlimactic. The last appointment felt like all the rest. I didn’t even get to ring the bell that everyone talks about. That was okay though, I was DONE!

My hair slowly started growing back and still is a very slow process. I finally just got bangs and its been over a year. The following is the progression over a year. The first one was some time during chemo. No eyebrows!

Since I was ER/PR + HER2 -, I was put on Tamoxifen as well as another chemo pill I would take for a year. I am still on Tamoxifen and do not have any major issues, although I’ve heard others have had some issues. It doesn’t do well on the joints though. They ache and sometimes it hurts to move but that seems to have gotten better after I finished the chemo medication. Tamoxifen will be another 4 to 9 years from now that I will get off of it. I know I do not have to worry about it now but the thought crosses my mind that some women have their cancer return after getting off of Tamoxifen.

A lot has happened since my last chemo appointment. I took steps to eliminate the possibility of ovarian and uterine cancer and just had them take the whole thing out. I was sad though. The surgery had so much finality to it that I would never have anymore kids and that left me wishing things had played out differently. If my Mom didn’t get cancer, I probably would have had another child.

I also had my reconstructive surgery and feel a little bit better about myself. Not complete, but better. I definitely still wish I were a whole person. I probably shouldn’t think of it that way, but I do.

The experiences of the past five and a half years have definitely changed me and my outlook on things. I am amazed I was able to get to this point when I had so many moments that I just wanted to give up. But, I didn’t and I don’t think I ever will.

“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

Albert Camus